Life During Wartime busy at Madison

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By Art Kabelowsky: Royal Purple Editor

Stu D. Baker was not happy.

The eight-star general and leader of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the University of New Jersey Madison Student Association was once again at war.

Ever since the Pail and Shovel party took over the Madison student government last year when Jim Mallon was elected president and Leon Varijian was elected vice-president, things have been wild in Dane County.

Earlier, the WSA placed 1,008 flamingos on campus to greet students on the first day of school. They also held a Phone Olympics where students competed in events including the cord. stretch, phone shotput and phone field goal kicking.

But now the government has declared war on at least six universities, and their recent development of the hydrogen bomb has made them a national college power to be reckonet with.

"We always wanted to have an H-bomb," Baker said last Wednesday. "But we didn't know how to build it until we read the article in the Madison Press Connection, and after that we put work-study students on it night and day.

"We've got it now, and all the schools we threaten are scarced shitless," Baker said. "We've got 'em right where it hurts."

Among the schools Madison has declared war on are:

Alabama. Baker said the WSA demented "the first string football team, or dsc we were going to drop the bomb. But after we sent four battalions there, all we came back with was some -- second stringers."

USC. "We extorted some of their cheerleaders. They are all pretty California girls," Baker said.

Ohio State. "We went there and told them we meant business," Baker said. "We came away with all their Rose Bowl tickets and each one of their double E tickets to Disneyland, which is what we really wanted."

Florida. "We told them we wanted to exchange universities during the winter months. They were hesitant at first, but were very scared of our H-bomb We showed our compassion, although, and compromised when they told our Navy of some primo spots in Peru and Columbia to pick up choice tourist items."

UW-LaCrosse. "We want the G. Heileman brewery moved to Madison," Baker said. "They told us they'd try but they weren't sure that they could do it by semester break. I don't really know why we want Old Style, though. I guess in wartime you go for quantity, not quality.

Most recently, Purdue. "Purdue sent their Bohunk Liberation Organization (BLO) to take over our office last month," Baker said. "But we knew all about it, and we left our vice-president there as bait. He acted surprised when the BLO came barging in, but then we ambushed them in a move quite similar to the raid on Entebbe. By the way, that's where I got my eighth star -- we drove them away in a very brave and powerful battle."

Baker's worries with the BLO are not over, however. "We heard that they were going to raid us again Saturday -- ; we've got good sources. So we've got all troops on 24-hour alert. and we're busy building moats around our headquarters.

"Purdue is so bored that all they have to do is keep trying to raid and take us over," Baker said. "But they know they're going to lose every time, and as long as they continue with conventional warfare we kmow we'rc superior so we'll let them have their fun.

"We were thinking of doing something to retalliate, though," he added. We might go over there some night and steal all their toilet paper, so that they'll have to wipe with the student newspaper. Either that or we'll take away their bars so they'll have absolutely nothing to do."

Whitewater students needn't wrorry about any possible offensive action by the WSA toward the UW-W campus. "Whitewater is our first official ally -- the students there have supported the Pail and Shovel Party since their first days," Baker said. The Whitewater division has been very loyal."

"I am very glad that we are allies with the WSA," Whitewater division Co-Commander r Mr. G. 1. Bill said. "It will make both our armies much stronger, as their H-bomb coupled with our SP 520 spermacide will make us an almost unbeatable national college power.

"Co-Commander and Director of Outlandish Demands and Wartime Propaganda Art C. Phartcey and I are happy to be on the side of the WSA," Mr. Bill said. "We are becoming a major force with morale officer Miss Sally and troop mascot Spot."

"Anyway," Baker said, "if we bombed Whitewater most of the fallout would reach I Madison so it wouldn't be a good idea. We'd also have a hard time finding the place."

Baker said he was also pondering asking UW. Superior to be a WSA ally. "They're close to Canada, and then we can cut off the draft-dodgers before they escape," he said. "Also they're closer to the pipeline so we can get oil to run our bombers (beer trucks)."

When asked what the WSA had planned for the Madison campus for peacetime activities, he had a long list of ideas.

"Right now we're building a scale version of the Chappaquiddick Bridge, complete with overturned car and dead maniquin on Lake Mendota, Baker said,. That's a nice change from the Statue of Liberty we had last year.

"Another idea we had was to have Bob Hope and Betty Grable here for a Christmas performance," Baker said. That would really help troop morale."

"Earlier this year we held a Halloween party that had 25,000 people crowding State Street, and Toga II which drew 13,000," he added."We certainly have more of that in mind. And during Registration week last year we had free ice cream, watermelon and movies, and we might continue that if our army can extort the money."

"The flamingos were strange thing that I don't think will happen in another thousand years," Baker said. "Hurricane David in Florida must have swept than up and dropped them off here, kind of like Dorothy and Toto in the Wizard of Oz.

"We have two new mice, Verne Jr. and Evelyn, to continue workng on the Iranian crisis," he continued. "You might remember earlier this month when Veme Sr. died of exhaustion while gnawing a hole in the wall of the Iranian Embassy. He did create enough room for 15 hostages to escape, though, so he didn't die in vain."

"We have a new idea now, that we'll have to raise an army of supermice in order to get all the hostages free,We're working on that -- as a matter of fact Verne II and Evelyn are copulating at this very moment,"

Besides Mallon, Varjian and Baker, the Joint chiefs of staff of the WSA include Roy Collins, in charge of special forces, Slip 'n' Slide McBride, in charge of all aerial tactics, and Joanna Revello, in charge of troop morale and intelligence because girls are smarter.

"Being a great military commander. I'm happy to see Whitewater as an ally," Baker said. "We'll work to conquer Wisconsin first, the Big 10, and then the Russians.'.


Stu's World
Updated: January 1, 2000